The Move.

Tonight, I am struggling. I am wrestling hard with many fears, anxieties, worries, questions, and I feel as if I can barely keep my head above water.

In my struggle tonight, brain whirring around thoughts and fears, trying to fight things off and running to God for comfort, I began to think of my Christian walk, my new Christian life, as a move.

I envisioned this new life with God, as a house. An immaculate, stunning, beautiful house set on land with a nice barn for my horse. The house has nice paint, a spectacular interior look, and a nice front porch. It is beautiful, a place I want to be.

Where I was, was very different. A small house, it kept me happy in my mediocre life but I wanted more. I wanted space, happiness, the smell of the fresh, country air. I would go by places like the first and wonder, what do they have that I don't? What do I need to get there? This is where I was, before I started getting to where I was living with Christ. It was a house, it was enough to live, but not always happily, or comfortably. 

When I started going to counseling, then church, things began to change. I began to realize where I was and where I needed to be. I decided that I was going to follow Christ, get my heart right with the Lord and make an effort to follow Him and make Him the Lord of my life.

This is when I made the decision to move.

I decided to pack up things and move to the house where I would be safe, loved, I could breathe the fresh air and be filled with happiness and the Lord each and every day. I was choosing to move away from where I was, to a place I would be much better in. From the old house, to the new.

I still feel as if I am moving, and this seems to be a hard process. I know where I want to be but now it is about getting there.

I am packing up things I want to take with me. Valuable, meaningful, and good things. This isn't painful. It is fun! Getting all the things that belong with me and putting them nicely in boxes, ready to find a new place where I am going. The memories, the love, the things that will travel this new journey with me. 

Then, there's the hard part. The things that I need to leave behind. The painful part of unearthing hurtful memories that were shoved in the back of the closet or hidden under the bed. Cleaning up messes and trying to hold back the tears as I realize that although this was a vital part of my life, it cannot come with me. It was a thing, a memory, but not a good one. Not one that belongs in such a beautiful place. These things will not bring happiness to my new place, therefore they do not belong there. They must stay behind, the mess must be cleaned up, the things dealt with and dumped. Forgiveness has taken place, now it is time to no longer carry those dark things with me, those things that were maybe once beautiful but now hold a bad memory, a dark message. 

Then, in the move, the people come into play. Who is going to rejoice with me? Who is going to be angry and pull away? Who will visit? Who will make the move with me? 

Who will I be forced to leave behind?

For me, this may be the hardest part of it all. I know this new place is where I need to be. The possessions, the packing, the cleaning, although some of that may be painful, hard, it doesn't even get close to the pain of when it comes to the people I care about. The people that I may be leaving behind, the people I may lose. Will they even visit? Maybe for awhile, but then will they even remember who I am in a few years? Or will I be just a faint memory? And what about them? Will they realize what they are missing? I hope so.

I know that this "house" this new life with God is what I need. So I have begun the moving process, looking forward to the day that I am in my new place, completely at rest, beginning to put the touches on it that makes this place mine. Maybe that is where I am now, but my mind is still stuck in the move. I fear for the people that I may be leaving behind as I go to this new place with the Lord. I want them to follow, to see what this new "house" has to offer. To see that it is just as easy for them to get as it was for me. You just have to ask, then make the conscious decision to make the move, to follow Him and to settle in a new and happy life. One of safety, where your amazing Father will care for you as you seek Him.

Maybe I shouldn't be concerned about the others, the ones that I may lose in this move. But I get scared. They mean a lot to me, and even though I know this "house" this journey, this Christ centered life is better for me, I am scared to think of what may happen to them, of what may happen to my relationship with them.

This is something I need to work on, focusing on God and not worrying about these things, because He has is covered. When it comes to people I care for, it is very hard not to worry about them. I don't want to leave them in the dumpy house. I don't want to leave them without God and have to fear that my new place will separate them from me. I will visit, I will make an effort, I will try to show them the wonderfulness of the place that they can easily be.

Ultimately it is their decision. Will they stick with the old house, or choose a breath of fresh air, of security that only the Lord can give? I can only hope they will follow. And I can only hope that this worry I carry in my heart for them will fade, that the Lord will comfort, and I can feel at peace knowing that the Lord is working in them and if it is something I end up losing, then it is something the Lord needed me to lose, so that I can draw closer to Him.

It is a hard move, a painful move at times. But it is also filled with so much joy, because this move is bringing me to where I need to be, with the one that loves me more than I could ever imagine.