Puzzled

I am, by nature, a person who likes to know.

I like to know what I am doing, where I am going, what I have to get done by when, what the plan is, what I can work around and what I can't.

I am all about knowing, when I know, I feel in control.

But I am learning that there are things that as much as I want to know, I don't get to know.

What does my future hold? Is it what I want it to be? Does God's plan match up with my desires? Does He want for me what I want for me? And do I even get to think that, following Him, since my plans are supposed to be whatever He may have in store for me?

I tumble over these questions a lot in my head. I do want what God wants for me, but, I get scared that it may not be the picture I had in my head.

I often get frustrated with why things don't seem to be going the way I want them to and why things aren't seeming to fall into place. As I was thinking about this the other day, God granted me with a picture, a revelation of sorts.

I saw a puzzle and me trying hastily to shove the pieces into place. I didn't know what I was creating but I knew what I wanted and was trying so hard do get there. Blindly fighting, I was frustrated.

Much like I am with trying to fit the pieces together in my own life, to create the picture that I want it to be.

That isn't how it is supposed to work. God then showed me that when I let Him, the master creator and the one who knows the big picture, start carefully placing the pieces in, things start to fall together, creating an image, a beautiful picture of what He has for me.

He takes the pieces, crumbled and cried on, rough from me trying to put them where I want them and says "In my timing. This doesn't fit here, we aren't ready for this yet. See, oh don't you see? Let me show you, this piece must go here first, or it won't create the wonderful picture I have in store for you."

When I hand the pieces over to God to allow Him to create the picture, He carefully starts crafting them, in His timing, piece by piece. There is no pain from shoving pieces where they don't belong. There is no frustration in not knowing where things go, what they are to look like, and later realizing that what I had done, wasn't right at all.

There is only the simple beauty of knowing that what God is creating is much more immaculate that I could have ever imagined and all I have to do to get there is hand it over to Him.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us"  
-- Ephesians 3:20


My God, who loves me more than I could ever imagine, is doing and working a great work in me, piecing together every little detail of this wonderful puzzle of my life. Although it doesn't make sense to me, I have to remember that when I take control and try to make it work, that it is nothing but trouble and tears. My life, is in His hands and with that, He is creating a beautiful picture, a work of art, all pieced and puzzled together by a Creator who loves me.

52 Lists; Week 2

Week 2: My greatest Comforts

1. God
2. A hug
3. A good friend
4. Genuine Words
5. A helping Hand
6. "I love you"
7. The smell of horses
8. A smile
9. Soft Blankets
10. A well timed sediment
11. Love of any kind
12. A note from a student
13. Compliments
14. Someone who cares
15. A good and deep converstation
16. Cuddles from my horse or dog
17. A familiar place
18. Proximity
19. Warmth of the sun
20. Hot chocolate
21. Watching Reba
22. A good book
23. Home cooked meals
24. Riding my horse
25. Riding four wheelers
26. Being outside
27. Tea
28. Music on KLove
29. My Church
30. Good news
31. A campfire
32. The peaceful sounds of nighttime
33. My bed
34. A spring day

                                                                                                                  35. LOVE

52 Lists: Week 1

I have decided that this year, I wanted to take part in the 52 lists project. I found the project on Pinterest and it brought me to this page ( http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html ) if you would like to check it out. I was going to keep it private, in my smash journal that I am doing but decided today, well, a few minutes ago, that I would like to post it here to share and to initiate discussion.

I have already shared a lot of my heart on here, shared pain and hope, worry and freedom, and will continue to do that so I saw it fitting that this list project be posted here as well. So, here it is, week 1.

When I post these, know that there is no particular special order to the words that flow into theses lists, nor is there a specific number. Only one list per week, no reservations, my thoughts and heart sediments will flow, sometimes deeper than others.

Week 1: Words that touch my soul

1. God
2. Love
3. Thoughtful
4. Cozy
5. Hug
6. Friendship
7. Peace
8. Teacher
9. Snuggle
10. Joy
11. Together
12. Horses
13. Inspire
14. Happiness
15. Rest
16. Gorgous
17. Blessed
18. Thought of you
19. Miss You
20. You mean a lot to me
21. Love you
22. You're a great friend
23. Great work
24. Can I help you
25. You're the best teacher
26. You are family to us
27. Thank you

Friends, flowers, and weeds.

Have you ever heard the saying "If friends were flowers I'd pick you" or "Friends are flowers in the garden of life" -- I have, plenty of times before and although those cutesy little sediments make for good on a front of a card, I have begun to think about them a little differently. Not too much, but enough.

I have begun to compare friendships to flowers and gardening. Now, before I go any further, I must say that I don't plant and grow flowers but I know the basics; and that is all that is needed here. I am just going to keep it simple.

I envision my palette of friendships as a garden. If I look at it this way, I see every friendship as a plant. Some, as flowers and some as weeds. Each one needs tended to in order to grow and the ones left alone tend to die. The gardener (or person with the friendships) gets the choice in which plants/friendships are tended to and how often they are tended to. The type of plant (or friend) also has determining factors. Just as friends both put into the friendship both the flower and the gardener have to help each other out in order to flourish.

It always starts with a seed. The love, attention, detail, time..ect. starts to grow the plant and over time the roots get deeper and deeper. The friendship more rooted and more beautiful. The flower is trusted, a staple to your garden and life. The roots grow deep and soon enough are down engraved deep into the ground, into your heart. As this works with flowers, this can also work with weeds if the friendship is a toxic one. The deeper the roots, the harder it is to remove and the more damage it is done when you go to remove it.

Sometimes, and always sadly, flowers get yanked from your garden. Someone comes by and plucks or yanks out that flower that you have so carefully been pouring your time and effort into, excited about what it will become. Or, drastically pulls a flower that you had so deeply rooted that a physical pain comes with it, literally rocking you to the core, because with those roots came ground and things are no longer what you thought. People also have a tendency to crush your flowers, walk on  your garden. Life seems to do this a lot, the storms come, people come stomping, or a rabbit gets into your beloved plants.

That is when you find out the hard way where the strength lies. Only the true ones make it out. The ones deep enough rooted or the ones dedicated enough to fight for you, to keep themselves planted because they mean something you to and you mean something to them.

Sometimes, as the gardener, you cause the chaos. Things must be uprooted and tossed because you thought you were sowing a seed that was a flower but instead it grew out to be a weed, a poisonous plant of some sort that you knew would be toxic to not only yourself but your garden as well. Sometimes though, we don't catch these until it's too late. They have already wrecked havoc, and yanking them seems almost impossible. As hard as it is though, you do it because you know it is worth it.

Starting counseling, I knew a change to my garden would eventually come to order.When I looked at it then, I could see a lot of weeds. There were some good, strong, and beautiful flowers, but there was more weeds than anything. Those weeds were deep and were starting to take over the few beautiful flowers I had. The start of maintenance to my garden did indeed come to order and it started with a rototiller and some weed eater.

I basically chucked all but two of those plants. The two flowers I had I worked around and I tilled that garden even though it hurt. Smoothed the soil, mixed in some fertilizer, tended to the two flowers I had left, and in the end, looked out to see my couple of pretty flowers with more empty space then I ever would have liked to see. 

It was hard, and painful to look and see my garden so empty. I realized that what I took out was not something that belonged there to begin with, but it hurt none the less. It hurt to look and see that out of all I thought I had, only two remained.

In a way, it was also refreshing. A brand new start. My garden was clean, tidy, and free of the weeds. The weeds that were strangling the actual flowers, and the weeds that weighed down my heart with such a force, I could sometimes feel it deep within, an almost literal pain.

Out of the pain that the tilling of my garden caused, a beauty started emerging, and still is. A chance to start pruning and growing what matters, and sowing new seeds with the hopes that I will have a beautiful garden. 

Over the little amount of time I have had with the new garden, a few things have happened. I stand here now, looking at it, with a small handful of stunning flowers. Flowers that I will protect with all I have. I would consider three, deeply rooted. Each a little deeper than another, withstanding trials, the storms as well as the sunny days. I have a few new seeds, new beginnings. I have a few sprouts, something that with time, has the potential to be beautiful, if it is able to grow how it needs to. I also have a few new plants, small but growing, thriving on the effort and working towards strong roots. Determined. Healthy. Promising.

I have also already pulled a couple weeds. Ones that somehow missed the tilling, showing themselves as flowers, only to reveal themselves later on as poisonous, threatening, and hurtful. I want no part in the weeds anymore. No part in the pain that weeds cause, to myself or the other flowers. And I don't have to have any part anymore. I don't have to keep thinking that the reason the weeds are there is because that is what I deserve or that is what I have to deal with or that it is because of me and is somehow all my fault. 

I know better now. Some plants are just weeds.

Those weeds, don't belong in my garden. So yee-haw little doggies, good bye you go and don't let the rabbit bite you on the way out. 

There is no room for weeds here! 

I am too busy tending to my flowers, nourishing and loving the ones that have been there, growing the new and beautiful ones that have come into my life and already shown me such love and care that a true friend should.

I am blessed. Although I have had to deal with weeds, I don't have to anymore, I am stronger and I know God's love, I can see it through the people He has placed in my life to love me and bless me, the flowers in my garden.

Friends are flowers in the garden of life- Thank the Lord for the garden He has blessed me with. And even, for the weeds I have had to deal with, for through them, I can see even more how beautiful my flowers are.

What do I let in?

When I was at the barn the other night, I was walking the length of the stalls, on my way out I believe. As I walked the isle, I saw the horses noses under the door, dutifully searching their piles of hay for the most tasty bite. I have seen this many a time, not just with their piles of hay but out in the pasture with grass, or searching through hands for treats, or going at their dinner grain.

Although it was not something new, or uncommon, a new thought went through my head as I watched the horses gently search through their hay. What if we were more picky about what we allow?

You see, horse noses are very sensitive. They can work their way through forage and find exactly what they want, even the tiniest bite. They can also find something they don't like and shove it aside, as well as something they shouldn't eat (like bad hay or a spider) and toss it aside. 

I began to take this thought deeper. Horses sometimes get free roam in a pasture and have many a choice of what they consume, much like humans. They pick and choose what they want, or what they feel is best for them. I have noticed that Chance seems to like the plants with the purple flowers and searches those out first. Then, he keeps filling his belly up with some good greens that he finds. He uses his nose to feel out the ground, searching for what he wants. Sometimes he makes a mistake- gets a prickly plant, a plant with roots attached, dirt, or maybe a bug now and then. Much like people, we search for the good and try to choose good but sometimes we make a mistake. 

This is where the choice comes in, do I consume it? Throw it out? Or let it consume me? He has done all of the above, as have I, and more than likely, you have to. But usually, we don't work so hard or search so carefully for the good. We don't consider what we are doing, and how what we may be consuming might be affecting us. We just consume it and move on.

Further thinking, at the time, I wasn't even thinking about the free roam in the pasture but actually more along the lines of hay. Hay isn't something the horses get free choice of. They are given some in the morning and at night and sometimes during the day as well. They like it, really like it, but could certainly like other types better than some.

Sometimes in life, we are thrown things. Thrown a big pile of stuff that we now have to make a decision on- what we will consume and what we will let lie. Each day, the horses are thrown hay, then they must make the same decision, what will they consume and what will they let lie. What is good for the taking and what hidden hurt could be in there? Will what I have just been given help me or hurt me? Will it be good for me or will it make me sick?

Will I allow myself to consider this and sort through it? Delicately choosing what to consume, just as a horse does? Or will I just take it as is and make the decision and pay the consequences later? Will I allow the bad things to consume me?

It's your choice, each and every day. What will you consume? Will you take the time to search through it and pick out the good things- in both free roam and when it comes to what is thrown to you?

You will make mistakes, consume things that aren't good. Even the delicate muzzle of the horses do. Some more dangerous than others, things get missed or hidden and unfortunately consequences happen. But, aside from those, picking and choosing and searching through is something you get to do.

 Don't worry about those things that may creep in there, just be conscious of what you are consuming and things will be okay, you will be better off knowing that you aren't letting the bad in- the worry, the fear, the negative words. Pick through and lay those out, let them be, no matter what is thrown at you. Be like the horse, be sensitive, pick through and take in the good and leave out the bad.

And always stay in communication with God. He knows best, and can direct you, watching over you and making sure you get exactly what you need and leave exactly what you don't need.

He even loves you enough to help you go through each and every pile of hay and each and every grassy pasture. Thing is though, you have to let Him and He will make sure you get the very best.

Saving graces in unexpected places.

Chance's Story

I have always been a horse lover. As a girl, I would find photos of horses and hang them around my room. When Lisa Frank stuff was the thing to have, mine would be the horse ones. I would beg and dream and hope that one day I would get to have a horse. Even as a highschooler, I picked a blanket with horses running on them, although I knew that a horse wasn't a reachable dream for me. As much begging as I did, my parents were not about to decide a horse would be something we would get.

I think even then, God was preparing me for this greater plan of His. Something that would save me in ways I didn't think was possible for an animal, and something that would ultimately bring me close to Him and see Him in ways I never would have imagined.

He never fails to know what I need, Chance was one of those things.

My life was in a low, dark place. The past storms of hurt had beaten me down and left me crawling through life, scared, alone, and with confidence the size of a peanut, and that was a good day. It was dark, I could see nothing but black, let alone any thing that would get me out of the continuous hurt. I tried to be happy and specifically remember being surrounded by people at a bonfire, taking pictures and smiling, but inside knowing that happiness was so far from where I was, that it was way beyond sight, let alone grasp. 

God knew the way out, I just didn't know that He was where I needed to turn. 

This place in my life, one of the lowest, was shortly before May 2013. Leading up to then, I still can't say happiness was something I knew. It was a stranger, passed briefly on the street. If I found it, it was brief, fleeting. It was better than my lowest, but not much.

Then God started a roll of events that would begin to change my life, a light in the dark that I was drowning in.

In April, my best friend took in three rescue horses. I was excited for her, but the way things were going, that happiness, like all, was fleeting. I only got to enjoy stories of the horses, although I begged to see them, meet them. In the rush of student teaching and the place I was in, it was nearly a month later before things finally came together and I got to go meet the horses. There were three: a mare, a gelding, and a stud. That, at the time meant nothing to me but I loved seeing them. Then expenses set in for my friend and she had the bright idea that I should also get a horse, the stud specifically. Not able to care for all three, he was on her list to go. Not ever thinking a horse was an option for me, I kinda laughed the thought off. It wasn't possible- was it? After shrugging it off a few times, I began to actually entertain the thought. Could I have a horse? How would I do it?

Then came the consideration questions- if I could have a horse, would he be the right one? Am I capable of riding him? By then, I knew what being a stud meant, and although he didn't act studly, I wanted some opinions. The response I got was discouraging. A stud wouldn't be a good beginner horse was what I was told and I was advised not to get him. I was a little bitter, I mean this girl I am pretty sure was telling me this because she was a horse lover with no horses who didn't want to see me get something she couldn't have. But, I didn't know much and felt as if following her advice would be wise, even if her motives weren't right. Little did I know that this was the first disappointment that was in fact God setting me up for what I needed.

After entertaining the thought, I couldn't shake the idea that I did want a horse and since I couldn't have him, I needed to see if there was one I could have. What is a better option for me? I didn't know, so I again followed different advice. All I knew, is that I wanted one now and I wasn't going to pay for one if  I could get one for free. The same person that told me to say no to the stud, found a free mare that I could have. After thinking on it, I was pretty sure it was something I wanted to try. I wanted a horse now, and didn't want to be stopped.There were some important details though- parent's approval was first. I approached my mom and talked to her about it a few times, but finally came to her about it seriously. She sort of laughed. I, to this day, still believe she didn't actually think I would get one. After her laugh, she responded with "sure, but it is your responsibility. You know you have to pay for it, because I won't." I knew that, I wasn't planning on doing it any other way. But then, where would I keep it? Somehow, in a crazy way that was only God, it fell together. My friend who had the rescues kept them at her neighbors, and somehow ( I don't even know how, since I didn't even know this family ) the family agreed to let me keep a horse there to. It was all God. No other way it could have happened.

But, I had a little learning to do before God provided exactly what I needed. I didn't know this was a lesson then, but I do now.

With things all set, I set off to get the horse, the mare, named Hope. I went to see her, decided then, loaded her up, set off, got back and got her settled in. I was ecstatic! A horse of my own! Finally! But, it wasn't the one God wanted for me. Although determined and excited, I was also clueless and starting to get confused. Hope, didn't seem to like me much. I couldn't even feel safe going up to her stall, she would turn and kick and just be mean. Turns out, it wasn't just me but everyone else at the barn to. That's when I was advised that it was best to return her (the old owners said they would take her back). I didn't want to- I had dreamed of a horse! I finally had one! And, I was supposed to give her back? I didn't understand. I felt like there was something I could do. After a few more days of this and being told that this could put me in the ER quickly or worse, I decided that it was the best choice to take her back. I was devastated. What would I do now? 

Turns out, God had a better plan. A more perfect plan. Although I didn't know then, he was putting me through a little test of trust. Something that I can reference even now and say, you know, God had better for me then, even when I didn't think or didn't understand or didn't even know Him. I made the decision to let go of something I wanted and thought I should get to keep and God filled my empty hands with the exact thing that needed to be there.

He came as a Zero, but he is my perfect Chance.

After I took Hope back, my new horse filled heart couldn't just not have that four-legged companion. I hurried home that night, sad yet determined. I jumped on Craigslist searching for a new horse. free, free, free. Which one was for me? I looked for a couple days I believe, not getting very far. Then an add caught my eye "for sale or trade" and it was a town within five minutes from me. "Well," I thought "I guess I could see what they want for trade. I am not going to pay money for a horse when I could get one for free but it is worth looking into, especially since he is close."

The next day, I called about that horse. Asked about a trade and really got an answer I didn't want to hear. "Well, I don't know. We honestly want money for him so we can buy our daughter a new saddle for her mini." Fair enough, but I didn't want a horse I would have to pay for, even if it was cheap for a horse. But something reeled me in. I ended up talking to this lady on the phone for a good 20 minutes. We talked about disposition, how this horse was and what I did not want to find in a horse because of what I went through with my last one. We talked about personalities, conflicts, and how she thought this could work. To end the conversation, I told her that I graduate college in a few days and asked if it was possible that I come take a look at him after I graduate. She agreed.

This is where God is seen so clearly again, it is unimaginable.

In the mix of graduation and such, I didn't get back to that lady for about a week. I called back not knowing what to expect, but God knew that I needed this horse. When I called I found out that many, many people had contacted her about him but she wanted to give me the opportunity first, since she had talked to me first. And she waited until I called before she let anyone else come to see him. This in itself, was huge. People are money driven and not always patient. For the price of this horse, he was a good, and I mean good buy ( I know that even more now then I did then, given I know how good he is now and the fact he is young as well ) but she decided to wait on me first. Wow. Hello God! I know this is what you wanted for me! Even more so now than I did back then- I know God meant him to be mine.

After going to see him twice and debating whether or not this is what I wanted, the purchase became final and to his new home he came. He came mid-afternoon and within the hour he was saddled and we rode around in the round pen to see how he would do. He did really well, we were impressed, although him and I both had a lot to learn. We even decided to see if he would walk beside me, saddled, and follow me without me holding him. Only one other horse at the barn did that- would my new fellow do that? He sure did. Followed right along side me, like he was meant to be there all along. We started our bonding there and have continuously strengthened it ever since.

Chance and I the same day I got him.

Next thing on the list, was his name. His name when I got him was Zero. It didn't take me but a hot second to know that I wanted to change it. What to change it to? What a decision that ended up not being a decision at all. Some how,  the name Chance came into my head and stayed there. I didn't think that is what I wanted it to be and was making lists and thinking up many different names I thought I would try on him. I even ran some by my best friend and after listing a few and laughing at what she thought of, I threw Chance out there and she didn't have any weird associations and actually said she liked that name. I wasn't convinced yet, but shortly after and no other names that really struck a chord for me, Chance it was. Since then, I have decided that Chance really is the perfect name for him. The name not only fits him, but it has deeper meaning to me as well. Although, the deeper meaning I have found in his name is a story for another day.

I never thought I would get a horse of my own, despite being a crazy horse loving girl as a child. More so than never expecting a horse of my own, I never expected a horse to be a saving grace in my life, to reach me and provide me light when I was in one of the darkest places I had ever seen. I am now out of that dark place in my life, but Chance is still a saving grace for me, a saving grace I never expected to find in a horse. I am so thankful I did though, and I am thankful everyday for the fact that I have him.

I am closer to God because of Chance to. I see God in the magnificence in this creature that He created. I see Him in the gentle and loving nature, that an animal that is powerful enough to kill me at his will, chooses each day to love me and humble himself to me each and every day. An animal that chooses to bond with me and love me instead. I see God's creation and beauty not only in this amazing creature He created, but as I take in the world and the beauty around me as I ride around on His back. Filled with a peace and a calm, connecting to God and His beauty, that I can only seem to find on the back of a horse. It really is a magnificent thing.

I thank God each and every day that sometimes His biggest gifts of grace are found in places we least expect it.

Slow, not abandoned.

When I had my first blog one of the hardest things to do for it was- write. I would succumb to the pressure of those everyday bloggers with an amazing way with words and beautiful, self photographed pictures of stunning scenes and the most adorable children I have ever seen.

With this blog, I have decided I need to think differently. I need to walk away from any pressure that is "forcing" me to write and instead write when I feel like it. 

I more or less discovered this early this morning when I carefully carved time out of my schedule to do what I felt has been sitting on the top of my to-do list for weeks. I pulled up a new post and 45 minutes and 3 drafts later, I promptly shut my computer and went about my day. It didn't make sense to me! I have thought about things that I have wanted to blog about quite frequently. I have carefully un-jumbled my thoughts and words in my head and have "written" at least four posts since I have blogged last. Where did they go? And why now that I have time have they left me?

I suppose that sitting down and trying to force words and thoughts to un-jumble and flow from my head to my hands hasn't been something I have ever been good at. I mean, that's why I didn't go into journalism- well that and the fact I am very aware that I am not an excellent writer ;)

I have decided for this blog I must change that mindset of having to write and instead go with when I feel like writing. I have had the flow of thoughts from my brain to this blog within 15 minutes on a last minute thought to write and a topic that came out of no where. So I can write a well thought out post in less than 20 minutes, but when I try and force it, it just doesn't work.

So I will not try and force it anymore. If I have a wonderful post swimming around in my head and I have the time to write it, I will. If I don't then it can keep swimming up there and come back to surface one day when it is meant to. Making sure I post so many within a certain time frame though- not happening.

No more forcing my words, no more feeling pressured to write. It may take me awhile to convince myself of this but I will get there. 

But I just needed it to be known, that this blog journey is slow, not abandoned.