Puzzled

I am, by nature, a person who likes to know.

I like to know what I am doing, where I am going, what I have to get done by when, what the plan is, what I can work around and what I can't.

I am all about knowing, when I know, I feel in control.

But I am learning that there are things that as much as I want to know, I don't get to know.

What does my future hold? Is it what I want it to be? Does God's plan match up with my desires? Does He want for me what I want for me? And do I even get to think that, following Him, since my plans are supposed to be whatever He may have in store for me?

I tumble over these questions a lot in my head. I do want what God wants for me, but, I get scared that it may not be the picture I had in my head.

I often get frustrated with why things don't seem to be going the way I want them to and why things aren't seeming to fall into place. As I was thinking about this the other day, God granted me with a picture, a revelation of sorts.

I saw a puzzle and me trying hastily to shove the pieces into place. I didn't know what I was creating but I knew what I wanted and was trying so hard do get there. Blindly fighting, I was frustrated.

Much like I am with trying to fit the pieces together in my own life, to create the picture that I want it to be.

That isn't how it is supposed to work. God then showed me that when I let Him, the master creator and the one who knows the big picture, start carefully placing the pieces in, things start to fall together, creating an image, a beautiful picture of what He has for me.

He takes the pieces, crumbled and cried on, rough from me trying to put them where I want them and says "In my timing. This doesn't fit here, we aren't ready for this yet. See, oh don't you see? Let me show you, this piece must go here first, or it won't create the wonderful picture I have in store for you."

When I hand the pieces over to God to allow Him to create the picture, He carefully starts crafting them, in His timing, piece by piece. There is no pain from shoving pieces where they don't belong. There is no frustration in not knowing where things go, what they are to look like, and later realizing that what I had done, wasn't right at all.

There is only the simple beauty of knowing that what God is creating is much more immaculate that I could have ever imagined and all I have to do to get there is hand it over to Him.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us"  
-- Ephesians 3:20


My God, who loves me more than I could ever imagine, is doing and working a great work in me, piecing together every little detail of this wonderful puzzle of my life. Although it doesn't make sense to me, I have to remember that when I take control and try to make it work, that it is nothing but trouble and tears. My life, is in His hands and with that, He is creating a beautiful picture, a work of art, all pieced and puzzled together by a Creator who loves me.

Who has the reins?

God seems to reveal things to me in the most amazing ways. Sometimes subtly, with a softly whispered message or incident where I sit there wondering- was that God? Then I have to think, what exactly did He mean or did He want me to get from that? Even though I have to wonder, I know it is good, and I know it is from God.

Other times, God seems to reveal things more clear than I could ever think. Sometimes in these circumstances, I still sit and wonder "was that God there?" but then again, I see the message, I understand, it is good, and I know it is God.

I am learning to see God in the everyday. This doesn't mean I see him or see/hear something everyday that is this booming message to me, but I see what He is doing, how He is moving, or if nothing else, simply something beautiful in each and every day that He has gifted to me. A beautiful sunset, a kind word, a hug from a student, or a cool breeze that blows my hair across my shoulders and refreshes me from inside out.

Although I am starting to see more from Him each day, in many ways, I knew a long time ago that He frequently reveals things to me through one of my biggest passions- my horse and my love for horses.

I often see God when it comes to the horses. The majestic beauty of them. The pure muscle and power. The way they run, the way they look in the sunshine, the way they work, the way they please. 

The way they love. Such a majestic and strong creature, allowing the more feeble human upon its back. Creating a relationship and being gentle and willing, although they could most certainly throw you or hurt you in a second. It is so hard for me to put all this into words, as I melt at the thought of what my horse does for me, how he loves me, and how he ends up teaching me more than I could have thought- even about God.

I bring this up in this way because God revealed something to me yesterday, through my horse.

It was impeccable timing, quite interesting and something I believe God needed me to hear, and now wants me to share.

Yesterday, I went to the barn frustrated. I was, yet again, allowing people to control me. My heart was hurting because of something someone said/did, and I was allowing myself to stew in that, to be hurt, and to let it bother me. It had my mind, emotions, and decisions under its wrap. Now, mind you, I have become better with this since I began journeying with the Lord, church, and counseling, but it is still a major hurdle for me. I am getting there but the journey is slow, the advances come slow and short, but I am getting there none the less.

Anyway, as I was there I was talking to the owner of the barn. We were discussing the topic of letting others ride your horse. He was explaining the cons of it, how it isn't really good, depending on the person. For example, if the person thinks he/she knows what they are doing and chooses to do what they want, then there is the potential for bad things to happen. Under their control, the horse is allowed to get away with different things, and the person changes things, and so the horse, next time it is ridden, may try to change things on the owner as well. Sort of like a child that goes to a less strict parents for the weekend and comes back as a brat who throws fits. The other parent then has to work with the child again and remind the child of the rules, and how the fits and getting what he/she wants, isn't going to work here.

The horse is much like that as well. When a less experienced rider gets on and lets the horse do what he wants, then he is going to give me trouble trying to get away with those things with me, and I have to take the time to let him know it isn't going to fly with me.

Now, a visiting rider who is willing to listen is a different case. Someone who takes the time to listen to me, learn how he reins, how to listen to what he is saying, listen to me to know what he can and can't do, is much better off. They will feel more confident, he won't be a brat and push his limits, and when I return to him, I won't have to correct his bad behavior that he now thinks he can do. It also lowers the risk for injury for the visitor, because he knows he will have to listen and won't act up and scare them, and he also isn't getting frustrated by wrong cues.

This is the short version of the conversation, but for it all to fit, the big point is that when the horse allows his master to be in control and they work together and bond and have that relationship, everything goes so much better.

Are you picking up on my connection yet?

Well I didn't until I got home later that night, processing the conversation and frustrating events in my head. All the sudden the thought crossed my mind-

If you were the horse, who has the reins on you right now? It's not God, is it. Who and what is controlling you? You are frustrated, just like Chance gets when someone else is controlling him. But when you, his master, is in control, isn't he better? More calm, less frustrated, and more willing to listen and have things go well?

I feel that right there, God was telling me to think of this as Him being the rider and me, the horse. When I allow my God, my almighty master have the reins instead of someone else, things are how they are supposed to be. He, with my willingness is leading me in the direction I need to go. I, like the horse, can make my own decisions, but I trust who is in control and am letting Him show me the way. I put up a little resistance sometimes, unsure of the choice, I refuse and give trouble sometimes, and when that happens, He sometimes is able to make good out of it, something bad happens because I make the decision without Him, or I relinquish my control and give it back to Him, and He again guides me where I need to go. 

Do you see how this connects?

Now when I allow someone else to have the reins, it's generally not good. Just like with Chance, when someone else has the reins and he is controlled in an unhealthy way, he gets frustrated. He is going somewhere, but he is being pushed and confused and just gets frustrated by the mixed signals.

Much how I felt yesterday when I allowed someone to take the reins on my life, my emotions. I was unhappy, frustrated, and just didn't want to deal with it. And if I were a horse, I would have thrown up a buck and said I'm done.

This is how God told me- you would be a lot happier if you let me have control. It was quite a way to reveal it, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Now all this doesn't fit together perfectly. I mean there are and will be people who can get on Chance and do perfectly fine. But I can say now it's not going to be the people who think they can do it  by doing whatever they want and by thinking they know everything. I suppose this relates to the good in my life- the things that work with me and with God to guide me in life.

The main idea I wanted to get out of this is be careful with who and what you allow to have the reins in your life. God is always the safest bet- your loving master who will guide you and teach you and most importantly- do this all in a more loving way than you can ever imagine. Allow good things to sit up there and ride double with Him- although He is in control others and good emotions can sit up there and bring you good things. They can be up there and under His guidance, He can use those good things, allow them to rein with Him or under Him and lead you to good things. Just don't allow the bad to crawl up there and take over.  Yanking, pulling, frustrating you and controlling you into decisions and moods you don't want to be in. Eventually pushing you to throw in that buck or that bolt and give up.

Allow God to take the reins and allow good things and people to be up there with Him. When you let the bad control you, you get nowhere you wanna be. Just frustrated and bent out of shape.

Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.