In ways I am glad, but in ways, I am not at all happy about it. So is life though, right?
Let me start by reflecting on 22, which happened to be the year that standing here now, looking back at it, I don't know how I made it. It was a year full of so many changes, so much growing. Some I expected, some hit me like a brick wall. Some were good, some were bad.
At this time last year, I was just beginning my journey into student teaching. Terrified, to say the least, I didn't know how I was going to do it. Do I really have what it takes to be a teacher? Can I prove to them and myself that I didn't just waste three and a half years in school? I wasn't sure, although everyone else was. And they were right. I did a fantastic job, I proved to them (although they already knew), I proved to myself, and I came out with flying colors. My CT was impressed, my supervisors were impressed, and I was even nominated for student teacher of the year award. And those little first grade souls really impacted me hard. Everyone thinks I was the one who taught them, but it was the opposite, they grew me. They made me a better teacher, and I actually made it through student teaching- what I thought was an impossible task.
Then, I graduated, college! With honors! Who woulda thunk it? Crazy to think myself actually. I still sometimes can't believe that stage of my life is over. I mean, am I actually old enough to be graduated from college? It was a fun stage but I am certainly glad it is over!
(Preschool, High School, College)
And from there? Boy, did this end up being a trying time. What now? I am an adult, what am I to do now? Am I going to find work? What will I be stuck doing? I decided early on that it was okay if I didn't find a full time teaching job, that I would be perfectly okay subbing for awhile. Thank God, and I mean Thank God that God had a better plan for me. I do not like subbing, at all. I had an opportunity fall into my lap to teach in an after school program and even though it wasn't what I wanted, I took it. Good thing I did, I was wrong. This job is perfect! I am now involved in a well supported program. One with a great boss, wonderful co-workers, my best friend is my classroom aide, I have security and stability, am part of a program that is proving it self very effective, so much so that it has been extended into a summer program, and even more, I work with 12 second graders each day that are changing my life. Sometimes, I don't understand what God is doing in my life, but I am thankful that he knows, and that he said no to subbing and put me right where I need to be.
Aside from the new career journey, I jumped on the train of a new hobby journey. And at 15 some hands and 1,000 pounds, I can honestly say I didn't start small. Deciding to get a horse was a childhood dream that I just jumped into, but as far as I am concerned, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Chance is my 5 year old Red Dun quarter horse gelding and to be honest, I consider him to be one of the greatest blessings I have. He has quite the personality and can certainly act like every bit of the five year old he is, but he also listens to me and shows me love in a way that it seems only an animal can. Even though he is young, he is perfect for the beginner that I am. We are both learning together and enjoying this journey, with many things to look forward to in our lives together.
(Chance)
Then, there was the bad stuff. The depression worsened, the anxiety worsened, the dread, shame, sadness..ect., all worsened. I started to sink deeper and deeper and I could feel the constant weight of it all, more often than not. People were starting to pick up on it a little, although I hid it pretty well. I can show certain pictures and know exactly how sad I felt when they were taken even though I am smiling and having fun I remember the dread and weight I felt and hoping no one would notice yet hoping someone would and would help me out of the darkness. Then I hit the bottom. I was really in that dark place awhile but that bottom was the darkest. Luckily, someone reached out and I took the opportunity. She lead me to my counselor, and I began that journey. My counselor is a Christian one and I know now was really the only way to go. She started working in me with God, and I began my journey of healing. I still have a long way to go but it did begin, and I have made progress. She also lead me to the church that I go to now, which is exactly what I needed. The atmosphere is comfortable, you feel like family, the people are kind, I can actually understand most of the message, and the pastor and church are really filled with the presence of God, which is necessary, and you can feel it! It makes so much of a difference. And this is where my God journey begins. More on that later though.
Those are the big things from my 22nd year. I have had others, a few friends come and a few go, other minor struggles and triumphs, but those if they are of importance, can find their way into my writing later.
For now, let's go on to 23. I want to start by saying that I am not happy with turning 23. I know it's not a choice but today was really rough. For a few reasons actually, but one would be that I turned 23 and I am nowhere near what I expected myself to be at 23, and I am not pleased with that. Granted, it's on God's time and I need patience, but it's hard to be at this point and know that where I thought I would be, I am nowhere close to. Maybe that's part of the plan though, not mine, but God's. Although I have trouble facing that sometimes, I know it is for the better, he has a better plan to me. Thank goodness for the new journey I am on so that I can realize that and not put myself even deeper to the bad where I was going, instead I am working on focusing now where God needs me, He knows the desires of my heart and will meet them if/when he feels right. Guess patience and trust is what I will be working on when it comes to Him.
For this year, I want my focus to be completely on Him. Getting to know him and getting closer to him. Knowing and feeling his love, promises, comfort, and all the many good things that he gives to us. This will be life changing. I plan to be more involved in the church and grow in the church family as well as in God. I plan to rely on him rather than others. I plan to define myself not by others but by what God sees in me. I plan to surround myself with good people, who will lift me up and not put me down.
Most of all, it will be my relationship with God that will be my focus. I am ready to become close to him, to make him what matters to me and to know him and be close to him. That will change me and I can't wait.
As far as other things, I do want to make the best effort I can and grow my friendships even more. Grow with the ones that will make a good Christian surrounding for me, and the ones that I will need to help surround with God so that they can be part of the Christian family, the family of God.
I plan to continue to learn and grow with Chance. Allow him to work with me as I work with him. We are going to start wagon trains in the spring and it should be a lot of fun and make way for even more opportunities to see God's grace in the everyday, which is another plan for me.
I also want to grow in my teaching, maybe land a full time job but also be happy if I stay where I am at. No matter what I do, I want to do my best for the kids I will be teaching- and who will be teaching me.
I do also hope to find a guy, a guy that loves the Lord and loves me. A guy that I am comfortable with and who has many of the good qualities that need to be in a guy. A guy who treats me well and who will be good for me. I can only hope that this is the year for me, the year to land me a good one. Suppose we will see, but again, it's in God's timing.
In all, I feel this year will be a good year, despite its rough start and despite that this isn't where I planned to be. I know it will be good because I am with God now, I am giving him control and I am learning to trust him, surrender to him, be comforted by him, and so much more.
So despite not being where I planned to be, God has me where he needs me, and I am ready to see what he has in store for my 23rd year of life.
(Sunset over Wolf Lake Michigan, taken on my vacation there, Summer 2013)
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