52 Lists: Week 4

Current and Future Goals and Dreams

1. Make God the center of my life and continually seek Him
2. Become an official member of my church
3. Find my place of ministry
4. Pay off all my debt
5. Buy a house
6. Spend more time with Chance, riding
7. Run a 5k, straight through
8. Be a more dedicated friend, really sowing into meaningful friendships
9. Shine God's light, everyday
10. Get married
11. Have Children
12. Be a Mentor to someone
13. Learn to dance
14. Get caught up on my scrapbooks
15. Fine tune my photography skills
16. Own a truck, horse trailer, and four-wheeler
17. Become a strong addition to any teaching team
18. Learn to not let people bother me
19. See Reba in concert
20. Travel to Texas
21.  Live life to it's fullest

52 Lists: Week 3

Week 3: The Things I Should Be Proud Of:

1. Deciding to pursue a relationship with God
2. Working to make Him center of my life everyday
3. Seeing a Counselor, which does require bravery. I have received so much healing and growth.
4. The fact that I am not ashamed that I have been through counseling and still go sometimes
5. Working to overcome my strongholds, especially my anxiety and people pleasing
6. Who I chose to surround myself with
7. Graduating high school and college
8. Graduating with Honors, in the Top 10 from High School and Cum Laude from College
9. Getting a "Real Teaching Job" within a year of Graduating
10. Working hard for my students each day
11. Getting good evaluations from both jobs/bosses
12. My creative ability, although it lacks substantially most of the time :)
13. Being a good listener
14. Maintaining my horse hobby (He can be a dosie on the wallet!)
15. That I am working to pay off my debt
16. I am learning to set boundries
17. My ability to see things from the other point of view
18. The photography skills that I have
19. I can usually see the positive in things, despite bad news
20. I appreciate the small things and have learned how much they matter
21. I encourage others, I am supportive
22. I am dependable
23. I am compassionate and caring

Puzzled

I am, by nature, a person who likes to know.

I like to know what I am doing, where I am going, what I have to get done by when, what the plan is, what I can work around and what I can't.

I am all about knowing, when I know, I feel in control.

But I am learning that there are things that as much as I want to know, I don't get to know.

What does my future hold? Is it what I want it to be? Does God's plan match up with my desires? Does He want for me what I want for me? And do I even get to think that, following Him, since my plans are supposed to be whatever He may have in store for me?

I tumble over these questions a lot in my head. I do want what God wants for me, but, I get scared that it may not be the picture I had in my head.

I often get frustrated with why things don't seem to be going the way I want them to and why things aren't seeming to fall into place. As I was thinking about this the other day, God granted me with a picture, a revelation of sorts.

I saw a puzzle and me trying hastily to shove the pieces into place. I didn't know what I was creating but I knew what I wanted and was trying so hard do get there. Blindly fighting, I was frustrated.

Much like I am with trying to fit the pieces together in my own life, to create the picture that I want it to be.

That isn't how it is supposed to work. God then showed me that when I let Him, the master creator and the one who knows the big picture, start carefully placing the pieces in, things start to fall together, creating an image, a beautiful picture of what He has for me.

He takes the pieces, crumbled and cried on, rough from me trying to put them where I want them and says "In my timing. This doesn't fit here, we aren't ready for this yet. See, oh don't you see? Let me show you, this piece must go here first, or it won't create the wonderful picture I have in store for you."

When I hand the pieces over to God to allow Him to create the picture, He carefully starts crafting them, in His timing, piece by piece. There is no pain from shoving pieces where they don't belong. There is no frustration in not knowing where things go, what they are to look like, and later realizing that what I had done, wasn't right at all.

There is only the simple beauty of knowing that what God is creating is much more immaculate that I could have ever imagined and all I have to do to get there is hand it over to Him.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us"  
-- Ephesians 3:20


My God, who loves me more than I could ever imagine, is doing and working a great work in me, piecing together every little detail of this wonderful puzzle of my life. Although it doesn't make sense to me, I have to remember that when I take control and try to make it work, that it is nothing but trouble and tears. My life, is in His hands and with that, He is creating a beautiful picture, a work of art, all pieced and puzzled together by a Creator who loves me.

52 Lists; Week 2

Week 2: My greatest Comforts

1. God
2. A hug
3. A good friend
4. Genuine Words
5. A helping Hand
6. "I love you"
7. The smell of horses
8. A smile
9. Soft Blankets
10. A well timed sediment
11. Love of any kind
12. A note from a student
13. Compliments
14. Someone who cares
15. A good and deep converstation
16. Cuddles from my horse or dog
17. A familiar place
18. Proximity
19. Warmth of the sun
20. Hot chocolate
21. Watching Reba
22. A good book
23. Home cooked meals
24. Riding my horse
25. Riding four wheelers
26. Being outside
27. Tea
28. Music on KLove
29. My Church
30. Good news
31. A campfire
32. The peaceful sounds of nighttime
33. My bed
34. A spring day

                                                                                                                  35. LOVE

52 Lists: Week 1

I have decided that this year, I wanted to take part in the 52 lists project. I found the project on Pinterest and it brought me to this page ( http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html ) if you would like to check it out. I was going to keep it private, in my smash journal that I am doing but decided today, well, a few minutes ago, that I would like to post it here to share and to initiate discussion.

I have already shared a lot of my heart on here, shared pain and hope, worry and freedom, and will continue to do that so I saw it fitting that this list project be posted here as well. So, here it is, week 1.

When I post these, know that there is no particular special order to the words that flow into theses lists, nor is there a specific number. Only one list per week, no reservations, my thoughts and heart sediments will flow, sometimes deeper than others.

Week 1: Words that touch my soul

1. God
2. Love
3. Thoughtful
4. Cozy
5. Hug
6. Friendship
7. Peace
8. Teacher
9. Snuggle
10. Joy
11. Together
12. Horses
13. Inspire
14. Happiness
15. Rest
16. Gorgous
17. Blessed
18. Thought of you
19. Miss You
20. You mean a lot to me
21. Love you
22. You're a great friend
23. Great work
24. Can I help you
25. You're the best teacher
26. You are family to us
27. Thank you

Friends, flowers, and weeds.

Have you ever heard the saying "If friends were flowers I'd pick you" or "Friends are flowers in the garden of life" -- I have, plenty of times before and although those cutesy little sediments make for good on a front of a card, I have begun to think about them a little differently. Not too much, but enough.

I have begun to compare friendships to flowers and gardening. Now, before I go any further, I must say that I don't plant and grow flowers but I know the basics; and that is all that is needed here. I am just going to keep it simple.

I envision my palette of friendships as a garden. If I look at it this way, I see every friendship as a plant. Some, as flowers and some as weeds. Each one needs tended to in order to grow and the ones left alone tend to die. The gardener (or person with the friendships) gets the choice in which plants/friendships are tended to and how often they are tended to. The type of plant (or friend) also has determining factors. Just as friends both put into the friendship both the flower and the gardener have to help each other out in order to flourish.

It always starts with a seed. The love, attention, detail, time..ect. starts to grow the plant and over time the roots get deeper and deeper. The friendship more rooted and more beautiful. The flower is trusted, a staple to your garden and life. The roots grow deep and soon enough are down engraved deep into the ground, into your heart. As this works with flowers, this can also work with weeds if the friendship is a toxic one. The deeper the roots, the harder it is to remove and the more damage it is done when you go to remove it.

Sometimes, and always sadly, flowers get yanked from your garden. Someone comes by and plucks or yanks out that flower that you have so carefully been pouring your time and effort into, excited about what it will become. Or, drastically pulls a flower that you had so deeply rooted that a physical pain comes with it, literally rocking you to the core, because with those roots came ground and things are no longer what you thought. People also have a tendency to crush your flowers, walk on  your garden. Life seems to do this a lot, the storms come, people come stomping, or a rabbit gets into your beloved plants.

That is when you find out the hard way where the strength lies. Only the true ones make it out. The ones deep enough rooted or the ones dedicated enough to fight for you, to keep themselves planted because they mean something you to and you mean something to them.

Sometimes, as the gardener, you cause the chaos. Things must be uprooted and tossed because you thought you were sowing a seed that was a flower but instead it grew out to be a weed, a poisonous plant of some sort that you knew would be toxic to not only yourself but your garden as well. Sometimes though, we don't catch these until it's too late. They have already wrecked havoc, and yanking them seems almost impossible. As hard as it is though, you do it because you know it is worth it.

Starting counseling, I knew a change to my garden would eventually come to order.When I looked at it then, I could see a lot of weeds. There were some good, strong, and beautiful flowers, but there was more weeds than anything. Those weeds were deep and were starting to take over the few beautiful flowers I had. The start of maintenance to my garden did indeed come to order and it started with a rototiller and some weed eater.

I basically chucked all but two of those plants. The two flowers I had I worked around and I tilled that garden even though it hurt. Smoothed the soil, mixed in some fertilizer, tended to the two flowers I had left, and in the end, looked out to see my couple of pretty flowers with more empty space then I ever would have liked to see. 

It was hard, and painful to look and see my garden so empty. I realized that what I took out was not something that belonged there to begin with, but it hurt none the less. It hurt to look and see that out of all I thought I had, only two remained.

In a way, it was also refreshing. A brand new start. My garden was clean, tidy, and free of the weeds. The weeds that were strangling the actual flowers, and the weeds that weighed down my heart with such a force, I could sometimes feel it deep within, an almost literal pain.

Out of the pain that the tilling of my garden caused, a beauty started emerging, and still is. A chance to start pruning and growing what matters, and sowing new seeds with the hopes that I will have a beautiful garden. 

Over the little amount of time I have had with the new garden, a few things have happened. I stand here now, looking at it, with a small handful of stunning flowers. Flowers that I will protect with all I have. I would consider three, deeply rooted. Each a little deeper than another, withstanding trials, the storms as well as the sunny days. I have a few new seeds, new beginnings. I have a few sprouts, something that with time, has the potential to be beautiful, if it is able to grow how it needs to. I also have a few new plants, small but growing, thriving on the effort and working towards strong roots. Determined. Healthy. Promising.

I have also already pulled a couple weeds. Ones that somehow missed the tilling, showing themselves as flowers, only to reveal themselves later on as poisonous, threatening, and hurtful. I want no part in the weeds anymore. No part in the pain that weeds cause, to myself or the other flowers. And I don't have to have any part anymore. I don't have to keep thinking that the reason the weeds are there is because that is what I deserve or that is what I have to deal with or that it is because of me and is somehow all my fault. 

I know better now. Some plants are just weeds.

Those weeds, don't belong in my garden. So yee-haw little doggies, good bye you go and don't let the rabbit bite you on the way out. 

There is no room for weeds here! 

I am too busy tending to my flowers, nourishing and loving the ones that have been there, growing the new and beautiful ones that have come into my life and already shown me such love and care that a true friend should.

I am blessed. Although I have had to deal with weeds, I don't have to anymore, I am stronger and I know God's love, I can see it through the people He has placed in my life to love me and bless me, the flowers in my garden.

Friends are flowers in the garden of life- Thank the Lord for the garden He has blessed me with. And even, for the weeds I have had to deal with, for through them, I can see even more how beautiful my flowers are.

What do I let in?

When I was at the barn the other night, I was walking the length of the stalls, on my way out I believe. As I walked the isle, I saw the horses noses under the door, dutifully searching their piles of hay for the most tasty bite. I have seen this many a time, not just with their piles of hay but out in the pasture with grass, or searching through hands for treats, or going at their dinner grain.

Although it was not something new, or uncommon, a new thought went through my head as I watched the horses gently search through their hay. What if we were more picky about what we allow?

You see, horse noses are very sensitive. They can work their way through forage and find exactly what they want, even the tiniest bite. They can also find something they don't like and shove it aside, as well as something they shouldn't eat (like bad hay or a spider) and toss it aside. 

I began to take this thought deeper. Horses sometimes get free roam in a pasture and have many a choice of what they consume, much like humans. They pick and choose what they want, or what they feel is best for them. I have noticed that Chance seems to like the plants with the purple flowers and searches those out first. Then, he keeps filling his belly up with some good greens that he finds. He uses his nose to feel out the ground, searching for what he wants. Sometimes he makes a mistake- gets a prickly plant, a plant with roots attached, dirt, or maybe a bug now and then. Much like people, we search for the good and try to choose good but sometimes we make a mistake. 

This is where the choice comes in, do I consume it? Throw it out? Or let it consume me? He has done all of the above, as have I, and more than likely, you have to. But usually, we don't work so hard or search so carefully for the good. We don't consider what we are doing, and how what we may be consuming might be affecting us. We just consume it and move on.

Further thinking, at the time, I wasn't even thinking about the free roam in the pasture but actually more along the lines of hay. Hay isn't something the horses get free choice of. They are given some in the morning and at night and sometimes during the day as well. They like it, really like it, but could certainly like other types better than some.

Sometimes in life, we are thrown things. Thrown a big pile of stuff that we now have to make a decision on- what we will consume and what we will let lie. Each day, the horses are thrown hay, then they must make the same decision, what will they consume and what will they let lie. What is good for the taking and what hidden hurt could be in there? Will what I have just been given help me or hurt me? Will it be good for me or will it make me sick?

Will I allow myself to consider this and sort through it? Delicately choosing what to consume, just as a horse does? Or will I just take it as is and make the decision and pay the consequences later? Will I allow the bad things to consume me?

It's your choice, each and every day. What will you consume? Will you take the time to search through it and pick out the good things- in both free roam and when it comes to what is thrown to you?

You will make mistakes, consume things that aren't good. Even the delicate muzzle of the horses do. Some more dangerous than others, things get missed or hidden and unfortunately consequences happen. But, aside from those, picking and choosing and searching through is something you get to do.

 Don't worry about those things that may creep in there, just be conscious of what you are consuming and things will be okay, you will be better off knowing that you aren't letting the bad in- the worry, the fear, the negative words. Pick through and lay those out, let them be, no matter what is thrown at you. Be like the horse, be sensitive, pick through and take in the good and leave out the bad.

And always stay in communication with God. He knows best, and can direct you, watching over you and making sure you get exactly what you need and leave exactly what you don't need.

He even loves you enough to help you go through each and every pile of hay and each and every grassy pasture. Thing is though, you have to let Him and He will make sure you get the very best.